Tools explained

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh*t’

CHOP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make lengths of wood too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race…

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good MDF sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used as a spike to break the vacuum seal on jars of food by stabbing the lids, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the wood surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove that’s solidly held in place with stripped head Phillip’s screws

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a b*tch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Have you considered doing a stand up comedy? At least next MS party?? (Please!)

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These are hilarious! You forgot a few:

LATHE: Originally developed when a drunk biologist observed a crocodile tearing a deer’s head off with its death roll, and thought “SICK! How can I make that MORE dangerous!?”. This device knows only death and suffering. No amount of user training, pleading, or priest-involvement will help you. It wants to kill you. The lathe is a high-torque amputation machine.

PRINTERS: Printers are the worst thing humans have created. They look and act like big paper shredders.

KILN: Kilns are the result of crossing an oven with a neutron star. Both heavier AND hotter than hell, it will set fire to anyone that even glances at it. Do no put objects you love into the kiln. Even for its supposed “correct use”, you’ll destroy half the pottery you try to fire. Objects that are removed from the kiln before the 4-5 years’ cooling time inherit the properties of the kiln, ie, they set fire to anything they touch. Do not put white-hot items on a conducting surface like an anvil, the anvil will steal all the heat and your item will explode*.

3D PRINTERS: These machines were designed by birds to create nests. Humans have tried to re-purpose them, unsuccessfully.

LASER CUTTER: The Laser cutter is the culmination of our race’s 400,000-year unsuccessful attempt to control fire. Do not look into the operational end of the device, do not touch the operational end of the device, do not submerge in water, most importantly do not - BZZZT

*true story


I feel I should point out that you can test window integrity with a router if you mount it upside down in a workmate and climb cut. I haven’t seen it included in any literature but I swear by it.